Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.

Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.

Many reporters, when they go to work in the nation's capital, begin thinking of themselves as participants in the political process instead of glorified stenographers.

So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else available. Western civilization not only provides a bit of life, a pinch of liberty and the occasional pursuance of happiness, it's also the only thing that's ever tried to. Our civilization is the first in history to show even the slightest concern for average, undistinguished, none-too-commendable people like us.

Satire doesn't effect change.