Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.

It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last.

I didn't see any NRA officials killing babies in Waco.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.

The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks. ... Government is not a machine with parts; it's an organism. When does an intestine quit being an intestine and start becoming an asshole?