If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

Smoking is very bad for you and should only be done because it looks so good. People who don't smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips.

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.

I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?