If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.

A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.

The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.