[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

In the end we beat them with Levi's 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system...has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet.

[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of child abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn't Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

Something is worth what somebody will pay for it. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less.

In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election

That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful.