Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues."

There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger strike (a cocktail fast, maybe). Although the Bangladeshis were savvy enough to know to know that if you're going to pester journalists, don't go to where they work: You'll never find them there.

Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.

All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

So what if I don't agree with the Democrats? What's to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don't believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway.

This country was founded by religious nuts with guns.