I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman.

Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.

In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.

Normally, the job sucks but work is kinda fun, because you see your friends and flirt with girls and stuff.

The Chinese had gunpowder, but it didn't occur to them to put it in a gun. They possessed the compass but didn't go anywhere. They invented paper, printing, and a written form of their language, but hardly anyone in China was taught to read.

There's nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.