A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

As a result of that, and as a result of friendship, I don't think we've ever been competitive. I mean, there's probably a very good reason Hunter [S. Thompson] isn't jealous of me.

I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.