The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.

A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.

I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer.

Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?'

I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.