The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

Whenever people tell you they are going to wipe the slate clean, it's your slate they mean to wipe.

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.