You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.

Most of us had never seen a sober redneck before, and we have the Reagan Landslide to testify that none of us ever wants to see one again. It was a horrifying apparition. And ever since Jimmy Carter, all of us rednecks have had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department full of human-rights yahoos.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.

Cars would be safer on rails!

You can smoke or drink on a golf course without interrupting the game, and you can take a leak - something you can't do on a squash court and shouldn't do in a swimming pool.

I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.