The Lampoon started in 1970, and I began writing freelance for them around the end of 1971, and then all through '72. They hired me in '73, and I left early in '81. I did everything from low puns to being editor-in-chief.

To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.

A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.

There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.

The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.

Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.

There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it's possible.