The Lampoon started in 1970, and I began writing freelance for them around the end of 1971, and then all through '72. They hired me in '73, and I left early in '81. I did everything from low puns to being editor-in-chief.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not telling the truth.

Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit.

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.