There isn't much room for an outsider point of view in print any more.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

There are no kinder or better people in the world than those who listen to you when you are 18.

Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother.

Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words 'Write what you know' is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don't. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?