You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .

Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.

I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like a whole new world." Instead of writing Michael Jackson one-glove jokes, all I had to do was go to these weird places and keep my eyes and ears open.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system

I couldn't have gotten into Harvard with a crowbar.