No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven't yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.

Although computer-generated artificial intelligence eludes us, artificial stupidity has been perfected.

In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want.

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.