No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal

Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.

[Wave of bestselling conservative commentators] it's kind of like reading The Power Of Positive Thinking, or any other advice or how-to book. All they do is reassure people of their basic opinions, and then they can continue to act like they've always acted. I'd say it's time to move on to something else, but I don't know what it would be.

When I get in deep water, I prefer to announce that I'm in over my head.

Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don't need any of those things.

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.