When I get in deep water, I prefer to announce that I'm in over my head.

You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race