There is a certain comfort in waking up and finding that Michael Jackson is still the Big Story. At least it tells you that nothing horrible has happened in the world that would force them to move on to real news.

I suspect most self-described 18-year-old Scandinavian women named Inga who collect and wear string bikinis are, in reality, more likely to be middle-aged, pot-bellied guys named Lou who collect and wear string cheese.

Anyone who has seen me spin that heavy, giant wheel on television knows that I'm not a steroid user

I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Clinton cost John Kerry more votes than he gained for him whenever they appeared together. Imagine being part of a crowd enraptured by the presence of Bill Clinton, and then having to listen to a speech by John Kerry!

I'm more concerned about members of Congress being drug-free than I am about members of the Yankees or Giants

One day, someone will get too close to the television, and I will pull them into this hell with me.