The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

We're rewarding either the reality or the appearance of youth, which is why you have all these people in their fifties trying to act like they're seventeen. You know, it's great to be young. Be young. By all means, be young. But always remember that youth is also kinda dumb, and doesn't know a lot yet.

I have a lot of friends who were stand-ups, and they just stopped after a while, because they didn't like that battle, or they just couldn't do it. And then they would get on a sitcom and get visible and get back into it, because the audience was just way easier on them. But they lost those crucial years of learning to turn any audience into your audience.

I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there's been an explosion of acting on my schedule.

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.