As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

A lot of nerds aren't aware they're nerds. A geek has thrown his hands up to the universe and gone, 'I speak Klingon - who am I fooling? You win! I'm just gonna openly like what I like.' Geeks tend to be a little happier with themselves.

Here's what I'm afraid of. I know a lot of comedians, friends of mine, who just got into the "Doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter. They're just gonna laugh anyway."