If Tolstoy were alive today and working at Panopticon Insurance, he'd say that all insurance companies are the same, then throw himself through an eighteenth story window and plunge to his death in a hail of glass and shattered dignity" (70).

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery.

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.

But really it’s condescending and patronizing not to make fun of someone because they’re old or stupid or crippled or morbidly obese. Banged up people don’t want your pity. They just want to be treated like everyone else. Mockery, when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It’s the closest we’ll ever come to true equality.

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God, you never really know.

If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn't want to be right.

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.