Mockery when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It's the closest we'll ever come to true equality.

The world is your oyster... ...too bad you're allergic to shellfish.

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery.

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.

There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at least twice a day, every day. something needs to be done.

at first I thought you were just using me" she said "I definitely am." I just wasn't sure for what. "Asshole!" she said, and punched me in the side. And she laughed as my kidney began to hemorrhage. That's the beauty of honesty. Everyones so unused to hearing it they just assume you're kidding, and you get to feel very good and forthcoming without suffering any consequences except for traces of blood in your urine for the next day or two.

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God, you never really know.