I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.