I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas