I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

When a woman extends her hand for you to shake it, then you shake her hand. You do not turn it up and kiss it. And it is just so creepy. Because, you know, I handed it at this angle. I handed it at the handshake angle and so I'm not giving it to you to do whatever you want with it. I'm not loaning it to you. It's like if somebody borrowed your lawnmower and you're assuming they're going to use it to mow their lawn. You don't want to find out later they put it in the ocean!

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.