I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.

I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.