Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'