I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.