The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.