The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.