I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.