My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.