It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.