I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.