I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.