My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.