My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.