I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church -- I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.