Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward.

I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal.

Everything I've ever told you, including this, is a lie.

I didn't know dirty words could be done that artfully.

Now I tell you the downside of this is you feel awful, but the upside is you feel terrific.

I would like to like to make one thing clear at the very outset and that is, when you speak of a train robbery, this involved no loss of train, merely what I like to call the contents of the train, which were pilfered. We haven't lost a train since 1946, I believe it was - the year of the great snows when we mislaid a small one.

The thing that makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter is if you look at his ducks, you can see the eyes follow you around the room.