The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.

I tried to write worse but it was no good; my generalizations came out as before, each more exquisite than the last. I grew discouraged.

Anyone informed that the universe is expanding and contracting in pulsations of eighty billion years has a right to ask. What's in it for me?

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.

I am not impressed by the Ivy League establishments. Of course they graduate the best -- it's all they'll take, leaving to others the problem of educating the country. They will give you an education the way the banks will give you money -- provided you can prove to their satisfaction that you don't need it.

Man is vile, I know, but people are wonderful.