When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'

Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh.

Nowadays people don't use face powder; they say it dries the skin. But I makeup in the old-fashioned way.

The world was very feminine when I was young. And now it's very masculine.

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.

In most cases an act of unwelcome sex is no more bother than being vaccinated, so there's no point going on about it as if it werea fate worse than death. With skill and good manners you can avoid having to make the sacrifice, but should you find yourself in a compromising situation largely of your own making, you should stop defending your virtue and start worrying about your maturity. It will give you something to think about while the savage pumper bangs away.

Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.