The curiosity of the neighbors about you, is a tribute to your individuality, and you should encourage it

To minimize my guilt at going to the pictures - to call this wanton pursuit of an effete pleasure by another name - I needed movie companions as drunkards need drinking partners. If I entered a cinema alone, God might plunge his arm through the roof of the auditorium booming in a stereophonic voice, 'And you, Crisp, what are you doing here?' I would never have dared reply, 'I'm just enjoying myself, Lord.'

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

The English think that incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.

What would you be like if you were the only person in the world? If you want to be truly happy you must be that person.

Well, it has done terrifying things. Religious ideas are inflammatory in a way that I find difficult to understand. There are very few wars over the theory of relativity. Very few heated arguments, for that matter. Whereas, in Northern Ireland, they are killing one another over religion.

In England, nobody's your friend.