When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

Foxes are rats in expensive coats. What are foxes associated with? Evil, wily, conniving, duplicitous, Fox News - worst news service on the planet and the evilest.

The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's just Tasmania.' The second time I came, some nut shot up Columbine High School. Now I'm here again, and another nut just shot up a high school in Minnesota. If you can't see the connection between me playing the Comedy Festival and mass murder, you're no good at conspiracy theories.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.