All losers are romantics. It's what keeps us from blowing our brains out.

The dead think they can get away with anything because you'll feel sorry for them. If you play cards with the dead, make sure you deal and don't let them buy you drinks. They'll slip you a formaldehyde roofie and pry the gold fillings out of your teeth.

I'm steel-toed boots in a ballet-slipper world.

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.

Twenty percent? What am I, your waiter? I got you five vampires, not a BLT.

When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.

That's what Glocks are. High-precision killing machines that scream "Daddy Issues.