Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

Crosses only scare vampires away because they're allergic to bullshit.

If you ask me about women's lib, I say I don't even know what that is.

I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst . . . In other words, I had a life.

A lie is profanity. A lie is the worst thing in the world. Art is the ability to tell the truth.

Everyone carries around his own monsters.