I'd like to thank God for making me an atheist.

Next time someone tells me they believe in God, I'll say 'Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?...' If they say 'Just God. I only believe in the one God,' I'll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don't believe in 2,870 gods, and they don't believe in 2,869.

Someone trying to be funny probably isn't as funny as someone who doesn't want to be funny but is and can't help it. Someone being serious or angry might be funny. If you get angry, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I don't know why you're getting that angry. Pathos makes me laugh, funerals make me laugh.

I've never been insulted by hateful satanists for not believing in their devil. Only by loving Christians for not believing in their God.

She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'

If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.

Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer