People who care for you inevitably become beautiful.

Two wrongs don't make a right. No, but three will get you back on the freeway!

Sex is a pleasurable exercise in plumbing, but be careful or you'll get yeast in your drain tap.

Cats and dogs believe politicians are like cemetery caregivers; they are on top of everyone, but nobody listens.

So much of life is happenstance. It makes me laugh when I go to a bookstore and see all those titles about controlling your life. You're lucky if you can control your bladder.

Never underestimate the power of self-absorption, including your parents' self-absorption.

Guilt is a Jewish invention improved upon by Christians for the last two thousand years.