It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up ,so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.

In real life, I am alarmingly boring.

I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.

I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.