People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.

I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

I want people to feel good about themselves.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.