I hate wearing suits and ties.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.