It’s not enough to be able to lie with a straight face; anybody with enough gall to raise on a busted flush can do that. The first way to lie artistically is to tell the truth — but not all of it. The second way involves telling the truth, too, but is harder: Tell the exact truth and maybe all of it…but tell it so unconvincingly that your listener is sure you are lying.

Autobiography is usually honest but it is never truthful.

But, do you know, once you get used to it's rather cute. I mean, if a girl looks alright to start with, she still looks alright with her head smooth.

They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

When it don’t rain, the roof don’t leak; when it rains, I can’t fix it nohow.

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

Pain is the basic mechanism built into us by millions of years of evolution which safeguards us by warning when something threatens our survival.