Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.