Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?