People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"