Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

That was easy for him to say when his cell phone was rounding third base. If anyone got a home run tonight, I didn't want it to be Verizon Wireless.

I was the designated grown up in a family that operated in different reality than the rest of the world.

Long-haired Chihuahuas have no notion they are bite-sized.

When your family is twice as weird as normal, you have to be twice as polite to authority, because authority hates weird.

My major vice is sarcasm with a side of caffeine addiction.

Screw you, John." "Sorry, Sylvie. Can't—they frown on that kind of thing between step-siblings.