When I started out, some women comics were jealous of other women comics, thinking, "If she gets "The Tonight Show," I can't." My philosophy always was, "If she did, I can too."

My life goal is not to ruin anyone's existence. I'm a comic.

Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers.

I think there's no way they should have to teach [math] now. We have computers. We no longer need to know why 3x = 2y/4.

"Marriage" is an internationally recognized word that says we are committed as a couple and are responsible for each other and any children that we have.

I wish that there were more stringent laws to make guns sold anywhere that they're legal harder to get.

I know the best moments can never be captured on film, even as I spend nearly half my life trying to do just that.