Being completely in control is a fantasy.

Parents are much more likely to be attuned to what they don't like than they are to the expectations that the kid is having difficulty meeting.

Challenging behavior is just a signal, the fever, the means by which the kid is communicating that he or she is having difficulty meeting an expectation.

Be your kid's collaborative partner, but also be a collaborative partner with the folks at school. Schools can be pretty unilateral too. Show them you know how to collaborate. Show them this is not about power. Let them know detentions and suspensions and paddling don't solve the problems that are affecting kids' lives. Those problems can be identified and solved but not by being punitive.

We have forgotten that those skills on the more positive side of human nature have to be taught, have to be modeled, have to be practiced.

It's a whole lot more productive to be in problem-solving mode than it is to be in behavior modification mode.

Solutions can't be imposed. That just fosters resentment.