If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'