'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!