'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.