This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.